Sunday, December 5, 2010

weekender: andrei-o-fish

(this graphic is actually enormous if you click on it)

i figure that, like most people i know, if i don't have a deadline for this thing, i'm never going to update it. so i'ma start out my weekly features with a short sunday-night spot i'm cleverly calling "weekender." you are totally reading the ORIGINAL EDITION right now of the VERY FIRST ISSUE. congrats, fanboy; now you have a story for your friends.

some friends and i, back when i was living in salt lake, used to watch AK47 during his absurdly awesome early years with the jazz. because we weren't really a playoff contender for a while there, andrei was more or less the most exciting part of the team.

not more or less. he was the only exciting part of the team.

but, being the classless bigots we were back then (oh, did you think of a funny joke to say about how i'm still classless and a bigot? you're so clever; your mom must be proud of your wit), part of our uinta cutthroat pale ale-induced party atmosphere revolved around yelling things in terrible russian accents whenever the long arm of AK* was making things happen. "ivan dunk!" "you no come into my house with that shit!" "borchem chilevik chem chilevik!" y'know, things of that nature. at some point, "andrei kirilenko loves filet-o-fish!" worked its way in there. and it stuck. "that one is for filet-o-fish!" "in soviet russia, filet-o-fish blocks you!"

little did we know, we actually had ESP. the deseret news ran an article back in march 2005 about andrei's home life, based almost entirely on an interview with his wife. turns out the dude is a pretty healthy eater: spinach salads, borscht, that sort of thing. but the man is human, and succcumbs to temptation, as we all do, from time to time. masha kirilenko: "well, sometimes he does have cravings for a filet o' fish sandwich."


*i hate this term, yet bolerjack uses it ALL THE TIME. some catchphrases shouldn't make the cut, buddy. however, i am apparently a fan of using LOTS OF CAPS to make a point.

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